I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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