I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
