I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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