i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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