guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
