it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
