So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
