I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Let's get the cat blown out
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize