You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
