Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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