Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
