Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
