The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize