Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
