Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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