The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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