what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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