i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
