We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
