Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
