I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize