I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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