My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
accomplished twins. life is a go
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
