i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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