then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
