I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
