He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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