MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
