so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
