his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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