I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize