I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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