Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
