I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
