I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
