I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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