I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize