can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
