How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
