i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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