I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
