Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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