Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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