mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
