I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Randomize
