I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
