my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Watching her eat just hurts me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
