I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Randomize
