the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
