My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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