member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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