Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
