If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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