I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
