Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
