I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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