He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
