I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
